Do you have a really large family?

[Beekissed]

Quote:
I imagine there are many, many like us out there. You know, it took me until this year (I am 42) to realize my mother's role in all this. I had always pictured her as being a victim, right along with us kids. My eyes were opened this year and I now know she was an enabler and a co-dependent in this saga. Being programmed from birth to accept this type of treatment, she made it easy for my dad to do this to all of us kids.

Why is it that some people can break away from this type of conditioning and some cannot? What is the deciding factor, I wonder? Why do some perpetuate the cycle and some do not? Very frustrating to see it all and not understand, to be powerless to stop it. That must be how you are feeling now, Lengel?

 

[lengel]

Quote:
I imagine there are many, many like us out there. You know, it took me until this year (I am 42) to realize my mother's role in all this. I had always pictured her as being a victim, right along with us kids. My eyes were opened this year and I now know she was an enabler and a co-dependent in this saga. Being programmed from birth to accept this type of treatment, she made it easy for my dad to do this to all of us kids.

Why is it that some people can break away from this type of conditioning and some cannot? What is the deciding factor, I wonder? Why do some perpetuate the cycle and some do not? Very frustrating to see it all and not understand, to be powerless to stop it. That must be how you are feeling now, Lengel?

That's exactly how I'm feeling. I'm also very concerned about their futures. My sister in law has had at least two miscarriages and has had gestational diabetes for the last five pregnancies. The last three births have been extremely problematic. And the last child had to be fed with a syringe every hour for months because she refused to eat. How many more pregnancies will this woman survive? And then what? What if my brother gets hit by a car? They don't believe in insurance. What happens if the house burns down? I'm told that God will take care of it. I'll tell you what though, my mother may be damaged beyond repair but she had a great saying: God helps those who help themselves. They have no backup plan. Every single one of them just seems to think that life will continue as is.

You're right. I have to let this go. It's putting me over the edge because I'm too close to it emotionally. Some of that has to do with the fact that my sister is also in trouble with an addict husband who cut his rehab time short. None of us have heard from her since he got back home. But she's a lawyer so I guess we're not supposed to worry.

I need to spend more time with my chickens.

 

[Beekissed]

I spend more time with my kids! Everyone who has learned to cope after living like this needs some kind of outlet for all that unused love and affection. I also tend to spend a lot of time talking to God and soaking up the beauty of these mountains.

Sometimes you just have to let go! I know we were raised with someone controlling us...well, that apple don't fall far from the tree...we probably also have that tendency! That need to control something, in a life in which we've had so little control. I learned to control that need to control, so I would not turn out like my father. He just needed to turn that need to control his environment and other people upon himself. Learn to control those impulses in order to live a much happier life. After all, in this world, how many things do we actually have control over? Not many things. Our own actions, maybe.

Lengel, maybe you could try to let go of the worry? Worry, I have found, is just an effort to control a situation. It fools you into thinking you have done something about the situation. You have, after all, worried furiously about it! Its hard work but, in the end an effort in futility, I have found.

Chickens sound good about right now, huh?

 

[lengel]

You're absolutely right.

Thank you for helping talk me through it.